Who Writes This Stuff?
by Fae Elric
Summary: Everyone's favorite alchemist's thoughts on a literary classic.
1. In Which Edward Scoffs

**Who Writes This Stuff?**

**By Fae Elric, the Steel Alchemist**

**A/N: **I've been terribly obsessed with "The Chronicles of Narnia" for a while now--

**Edward:** Yeah, only for a couple of weeks.

**A/N: **Shut up! No comments from the peanut gallery!

**Edward: **(twitch) WHAT. DID. YOU. SAY.

**A/N: **You heard me. Anyway, like I was saying before I was so _rudely_ interrupted (shoots dark glare at Ed), I've been obsessed with Narnia lately, and I wanted to try my hand at melding the two series I love so much together. So here it is!

**Disclaimer: **If I owned either of these series I wouldn't have to pay about $150 dollars to Georgie Henley's Potty-Mouth Bucket every time I thought about wanting to own them, would I? Yeah, didn't think so.

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Edward sat on his military-issued bunk with his nose buried in a book, as he was often wont to do. However, this book wasn't about the Philosopher's Stone, unlike every book Ed had read for the past four years. It wasn't even about alchemy. _This_ book was (dare I say it?) a _fictional_ piece. No- it wasn't just fiction. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe was a literary classic.

Not so much to Ed.

Al, upon noticing Ed's disbelieving frown, asked his older brother, "Is something wrong, Brother?"

"Not with me," Ed told him disgustedly, "just with this book."

"What's wrong with it?"

"Well, for one thing, people don't just randomly walk into giant wardrobes and find themselves in a magical land. Magic doesn't even exist!"

Alphonse sighed. "Brother. That book is fiction, as in 'not real, never has been real, and will never be real'. The Law of Equivalent Exchange doesn't apply."

"That may be true," Ed scoffed, "but who the hell would sacrifice his family for some candy?"

"Apparently Edmund would."

"That brings me to my next point! This stupid kid Edmund is giving all us other Eds a bad name!"

Al tried to reason with him. "Edmund isn't even real!"

"And neither is Santa! C.S. Lewis thought he'd try to pull a fast one on me by calling him Father Christmas, did he? Well, I'm certainly not fooled!"

The soul in the armor panicked. "Wait… Santa's not real?"

"Of course not! He…" Ed's voice trailed of as he realized exactly what he had just said. "I mean, of course he's real! Just not in the context of the story!"

"You liar!" Al shouted miserably.

"No, really! He really is real!" Ed cried. _As much as I hate to think about it, I'll have to do something _(he could barely force himself to finish the thought)_ nice for the bastard colonel, _Ed thought with a shudder, _if I'm going to get him to dress up as Santa this year. _He decided that he would beat himself up later. "You'll see, Al. He'll come for Christmas like he always does." He crossed his fingers behind the book, hoping that his younger brother would believe him.

"If you say so, Brother," Al said warily.

Ed heaved an internal sigh of relief. "And anyway, who gets a sword for Christmas? There's no such thing as a- oh, what was it called- a fire-flower. If they wanted to heal any injury, they should just make a Philosopher's Stone. If Equivalent Exchange doesn't apply to them, then they should be able to do it without sacrificing humans, right?" he sneered. "And what about this Jadis lady, huh? A woman isn't evil unless she throws wrenches at innocents, I always say."

Al just sighed and said, "Just make sure you never say that in front of Winry, okay?" He tuned Ed's ranting out and opened his copy of The Voyage of the _Dawn Treader_. _It just isn't the same without all four Pevensies, _he thought before turning to chapter five.

"I mean, honestly, who writes this stuff?" Ed wondered aloud. He snapped the book shut and picked up a rather large tome that he was sure had some kind of clue about the Philosopher's Stone.

------

"Hey, Susan, take a look at this." A sandy-haired boy of about sixteen or seventeen years held up a book for his younger sister to see.

"What is it, Peter?"

The eldest Pevensie boy flipped through the book's pages curiously. "It looks like some sort of comic book, but I've never heard of it. I already asked Edmund about it, and he said didn't know anything."

Susan plucked the book from Peter's hands. "'Fullmetal Alchemist'?" she read aloud. "'Fullmetal' isn't even a word."

"'Gastrovascular' shouldn't be a word, either," Peter mumbled under his breath.

Susan, who hadn't heard him, pointed out an odd image. "And look here, the armor is empty! It shouldn't be moving or talking!"

Peter only shrugged. "Well, you never know what someone may think of. It _is_ a comic book, after all."

"Yes, but who makes comic books like these? It's printed backwards, too!"

"After being to Narnia and back, I've learned not to question too many odd things, Su," Peter said. Taking the book from her, he started to walk towards the room he shared with Edmund. "If you'll excuse me, I have some reading to do."

------

**A/N: **I never thought I'd be able to do it, but I actually wrote an FMA fic that's not RoyEd. Ever write one of those stories that you're not sure about whether or not it's good? Well, this is one of them for me. Unfortunately for you (or fortunately, if you happened to like it), I posted it anyways! So, nyeh! (sticks out tongue)

**Susan: **That's _so_ mature, Fae.

**A/N: **…Thank you, Susan.

**Susan: **And if you're going to drool like that every time you think about Peter, at least wipe off your face.

**A/N: **(wipes hand across mouth) I wasn't drooling.

**Susan: **…Right.

**A/N: **Before anyone sends me flames, I just wanna say that I love Narnia. I don't exactly have the most sympathy for Edmund, but there you go. I apologize profusely if I insulted anyone with Ed's rants.


	2. In Which they Meet

**In Which They Meet**

**By Fae Elric, the Steel Alchemist**

**A/N: **One of my lovely reviewers suggested this idea to me and I instantly fell in love with it, just because it opens doors. And in case you haven't noticed, there aren't many FMANarnia crossovers of any kind. So here it is, my continuing contribution to the FMANarnia Revolution (which will be null and void once I take over as Otaku Dictator Queen)! This is for you, Brilliant Genius Number 7!

**Disclaimer: **Jeebus, you people just don't give up, do you? Kore wa jishin no ja nai yo! (So there! (If I screwed that up, somebody tell me please. I'm only in first-year Japanese and we're still on the stupid -masu forms… man, I hate those…)

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It was a rare sunny day in London. If one was to walk the streets, one would hear birds chirping, see flowers in full bloom.

One might also see a short blonde and a suit of armor.

Edward and Alphonse Elric had just been assigned to an undercover mission in England's capital. How they were to remain undercover, however, was still unknown.

"Isn't it so nice out, Brother?" Al asked while stretching as well as a suit of armor could stretch.

Edward only gave a noncommittal grunt.

Al sighed. "Don't tell me you're still in a bad mood, Brother! Mustang said this one could actually pay off!"

Ed turned his head to glare venomously at Al. "It's not the mission."

"Oh, don't tell me it's the book," the younger Elric groaned.

"You're damn right, it's the book!" Edward shouted, not caring that he was drawing attention to himself.

Attention that came from random unknown people as well as from four siblings who happened to be walking on the opposite side of the street. Four siblings who had, in fact, just come back from Professor Kirke's home not three days ago.

"The country was nice and all, but it's _so_ good to be home," Susan said, smiling.

"I dunno," Edmund said. "I'm kinda starting to miss the fresh air."

"This coming from the boy who said, 'It's not like there's air inside'," Peter pointed out.

"Sod off, Peter!" Edmund gave his older brother a little playful shove. Peter only chuckled.

A flash of red and gold caught Lucy's eye. "Huh. I wonder what he's so upset about?"

"Who?" Edmund asked.

"That short boy on the other side of the street." Lucy pointed him out. "Look, he's yelling at the guy in the armor."

Edmund laughed. "What kind of a loon wears armor walking down the street?"

Peter turned his attention to where Lucy was pointing. There was something oddly familiar about that suit of armor… He caught Susan's eye; she nodded almost imperceptibly. She recognized it, too.

Edward's excellent hearing stopped him from yelling more at Al. Instead, he turned to face Lucy and shouted clear across the street, "WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE COULD GET EATEN BY AN ANT AS AN APPETIZER!"

"Brother! She didn't say anything like that!"

"SHE WAS THINKING IT!" Ed roared as he marched across the street towards the Pevensies.

"Hey! Brother!" Al had to almost run to catch up to Edward.

"Wow, he's sure got a big temper for--"

"Don't say it, Edmund!" Peter warned.

"Don't say what? 'For someone so small'?" Edmund asked innocently.

Edward howled. "YOU. ARE. SO. DEAD! YOU'RE NOT EVEN TALLER THAN ME!"

This time Al really did have to run to catch Edward. As he grabbed his older brother from behind, he said, "I'm terribly sorry about this! Brother just has a large temper."

Watching as Edward thrashed so hard as to almost rip Al's arms off, Susan said, "Well, we can see that!"

"Edmund! I told you not to say it!" Peter rounded on his little brother, fully prepared to open a can of whup-ass on him.

Al was caught off-guard for a moment. "Wait… did you say Edmund?"

Edward felt Al's grip on him loosen the tiniest bit, so he thrashed even harder, forcing himself out of the armor's grip.

He also managed to tear off Al's arms. "HA! I'M FREE! FREE!"

Alphonse sighed. "Brother…"

"CATCH ME IF YOU CAN, AL!" Edward jumped around like a madman.

"Brother..." Al said again, less patient this time.

"I WIN! YOU LOSE! YOU CAN'T STOP ME THIS TIME!" He threw back his head and laughed maniacally.

The poor Pevensie children could only stare speechlessly at the Elrics. Finally, Lucy the Valiant found her voice. "He's… he hasn't got any arms!" she cried, pointing a not-so-slightly shaky finger at Al.

Edward stopped his gloating. "He what?" he asked, an adorably confused look plastered all over his face.

Peter slapped a palm to his face before saying, "Edward. Fix Alphonse's armor before you cause even more of a riot."

Edward stared up at Peter warily. "How the hell did you know my name?"

"Does it really matter! Just fix him!" Susan shouted.

The Fullmetal finally looked over at his brother, who was currently standing in the middle of the sidewalk, helplessly looking on. "Jeez, Al, what happened to you?" Ed asked, clapping his hands to transmute the arms back on.

If Alphonse had an arm, he would've slapped his palm to his forehead, then slapped Ed. Instead he made do with, "One of these days, Brother… I'm going to videotape you doing the stupid things you do."

There was the usual flash of contained blue lightning as the molecules of Al's steel shell reattached themselves. "I don't know what you're talking about, Al. Honest." Ed grinned cheekily to himself.

Al, now with both arms, turned to Peter and introduced himself. "I'm Alphonse Elric; you must be Peter Pevensie. Nice to meet you." He bowed.

Peter, slightly shocked that the armor-- no, Al would know his name. "I-it's a pleasure meeting you as well," he said, extending his right hand. Al gingerly accepted it, careful not to apply too much pressure and break something. "May I ask you something, Alphonse?" Al nodded. "How do you know my name?"

Al shrugged. "Same reason why you know our names, I suppose. I found an old series of books in the library one day about these children named the Pevensies."

"That's odd," said Susan. "Peter found a book with both you and your older brother in it as well."

Lucy looked up at her sister. "Wait, you mean Alphonse is the younger brother?"

Edward only glared daggers at her, not wanting to risk pulling Al's arms off again.

Al only chuckled, slightly nervous. "Yep. Winry's always saying that it's hard to tell just who's older, though."

Edward muttered under his breath, "Stupid loser machine junkie."

If only Al had eyes with which to roll.

Determined to seem somewhat calm and normal despite the fact that these strange foreigners knew everything about their lives, Susan spoke up. "Well, it's very nice meeting you, Alphonse. I'm Susan, of course, and I'm sure you already know about Edmund and Lucy." Said younger children were shifting their weight between either foot, looking around nonchalantly.

Edward's death-glare caught Edmund in its sights. "I don't like you."

"Me? What did I do?" Edmund demanded.

"Besides calling me… that evil word… you're giving all us other Eds a bad name."

Alphonse sighed for the millionth time that day. "Here we go again." Before Edward could go any farther with that statement, he promptly lifted his older brother off the ground and slung him over his shoulder. Ignoring Edward's shouts of protest, Al addressed the Pevensies once again. "I'm terribly sorry for all this," he said. "Maybe we'll see each other again someday?" He began to walk away as inconspicuously as he could, which was no easy feat considering the alchemist on his shoulder yelling death-threats. "Edward!" he chastised. "You need to be more nice to people you meet! Wait to tell them that you don't like them at least until the second time you see them!"

Edward rolled his eyes behind Al's back.

"Don't you roll your eyes at me, Brother!"

The Pevensie children watched in a state of slight shock and disbelief as the empty armor tried to make himself as inconspicuous as he could.

Edmund was the only one who seemed to be able to speak. "Was anyone else disturbed a little bit by that?"

The others could only nod.

------

**A/N:** Well. That was harder than I thought it was going to be. (ugh) This was definitely not my best work… (shrugs) Ah, well. Please tell me you thought it was as bad as I thought it was…


End file.
